Women have been engaging in sex on the first date for a long time, so why do some of us still experience feelings of shame?

I was bored... and they had a cat.” This has to be one of the most valid (and relatable) reasons for having sex on a first date, and for Amy* (26, bisexual), it may have been the cat that brought her to her date’s house but the sex... the sex made her stay. “It was wild. So intense and great fun. I’m glad I went,” she explains. “The cat was adorable, too.”

Whether it’s pets, boredom, or fancying someone so much you can’t keep your hands off them, our motivations for having sex on a first date can vary widely. But when it comes to holding ourselves back, and not jumping into bed with our dates, there tends to be one common denominator: shame. It seems that stigma surrounding women’s sexuality still reigns supreme (sigh).

There are so many women, like Amy, who joyfully embrace the idea of sex on a first date, and yet, statistically, our views on the topic seem, well, a little behind. A  2020 study found that only 5% of women see sex on a first date as positive or somewhat positive in terms of a relationship’s future. Sadly, it seems many of us still can’t break away from out-of-date societal standards, which are often ingrained from a young age. Why does first date sex have such a bad rap? And does it really make a difference in how long a relationship lasts?

“There’s a lot of rhetoric, especially when you’re a woman dating men, that if you sleep with someone ‘too soon’ they won’t respect you or [will assume] that you’re not looking for something serious,” says Jane* (33, straight), who tells me that at high school she remembers there being “an unspoken rule that the girls with boyfriends would wait four months to sleep with them”.

The double standards here are clear, given that men are rarely chastised for the exact same choices. “I have never experienced a man being looked down upon for sleeping with someone early on, yet I have been called a slut on several occasions… just because an outsider has deemed it too soon,” Jane continues, adding that these hurtful comments have even come from friends.

Worse still, the origin of these thought patterns dates back to way before the sexual revolution. “Historically, cultural and religious norms painted women’s value as being tied to their ‘purity’ or ‘modesty’, while men were often encouraged to pursue sex more freely,” says sex therapist Dr Viviana Coles.  “Even modern dating advice often reinforces this old thinking by suggesting that ‘holding out’ earns more respect.”